Self CARE is not Selfish! / SANDWICH

The past several days I've found myself in conversations about "Self-Care" both from the perspective of one who has a chronic illness AND from the caregiver's point of view.  Either route is not easy.

As one who is being cared for, sometimes I realize that I may be "needier" than I've ever been.  I've also been dealing with some fairly depressed feelings, which I am sure add to the "pity party" in my head.  I try to practice some self-care to shake out the cobwebs in my head:  prayer, find something to smile about in every day, get outside in the sunshine a bit each day, push myself to do things on my own -- when I succeed, I get a good feeling of accomplishment.  At times, I have to remind myself to be kind to ME.  If I don't complete a task, it is really no big deal, I can finish it another time -- I don't have to berate myself or call myself "lazy," I just need to adjust my expectations.  I also know when I need to ask for a little outside help, and I realize that there's no "shame" in needing or asking for assistance.

I try to encourage David to "escape" every now and then.  Go play some golf, go skiing, have dinner with friends.  I'm not a millstone around his neck, and I can be left alone safely at this point.  (Heck, some days I'm just going to be in the bed or on the sofa all day, how much trouble can I get in?  Not counting Amazon...)

I have also been in a position of caregiver, though.  As a parent, and as a wife, I've spent a lot of years managing households, busy (often conflicting) schedules for up to five people, and taking care of the sick or injured. I've also observed my husband who has been the lone caregiver for his elderly mother for several years, and now he is caring for me as well.  Additionally, I have friends who are taking care of elderly parents, friends who are not well, and others.

Often we get all wrapped up in the needs of others and we neglect ourselves.  It's an easy habit to fall into -- mainly because we convince ourselves that it is "selfish" to do something kind for ourselves.

NOW HEAR THIS: 
 IT IS NOT SELFISH!!  IT IS NECESSARY!!!

Every caregiver MUST allow themselves some "off" time.  They need a break once in a while, a chance to step away, refresh themselves.  Otherwise, they will burn themselves out, trying to "be all things to everyone, all the time."
No one can do that, realistically. But often -- we THINK we have to because, we reason, it is selfish.  Being "Superman" or "SuperWoman" is great, until you slam into a wall.

A car needs gas to keep going.  A caregiver needs "gas" too -- a chance to re-fuel, re-charge, maybe consider a different perspective or other possible options.
There is nothing wrong with being kind to yourself.  Take a walk, pray, meditate, go out for lunch with friends.  Explore other ways of getting assistance:  a relative, friend, or neighbor who could perhaps visit a while, allowing you a chance for some "fresh air." There are also other avenues of assistance, for example, a home health organization or the local Council on Aging are just a couple of suggestions.  Telephone calls are simple, just pick up the phone and make a call, ask for help.

Sometimes -- particularly if you are a parent, or now having to "parent your parent" -- you have to make choices and decisions that are unpopular with those in your care.  As a parent, you sometimes have to be the "meanest mom or dad in the world" because you have to make a decision that is in the best interest of your child -- and the kid doesn't exactly see it that way.  When that role is reversed -- and you're having to make a decision that is in the best interest of your parent, and they don't like it -- it is doubly difficult.  Like a petulant child or teen, your parent may be angry with you for a while.  (I've observed this first-hand with my husband and his mother.)  But ultimately -- you have to think about what is in everyone's best interests -- including your own health and well-being as the caregiver.

If you've ever been on a flight, you've heard the safety spiel about putting the oxygen mask on YOURSELF FIRST, before assisting others. THAT, my friends, is self-care.   You cannot help someone else if you're suffocating in the process.

Speaking of "Self Care," I'm not ashamed to admit that not only am I taking an anti-depressant, but I've also decided to seek counseling.

***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

Untethered Time Travel:  SANDWICH

It is early 2003.  I am 47 years old.  

I am miserable, overwhelmed, overworked, over-stressed, depressed.  I feel trapped, my marriage is clearly not salvageable -- a fact I've realized for a few years.  I am so indecisive that I can't figure out on which side of a slice of bread to spread the peanut butter.  

Seeking guidance, I sought counsel with my pastor. 

One day, after a few sessions, he begins to tell me a story, 

but says I must provide the ending. 

Once there was a woman who had two children.  They lived in a small village that was suffering a drought.  The woman realized that in order for her children to survive, they had to leave and make a new home 
in a town on the other side of the mountain.

So she packed up what food she could find, and the three of them set out, walking toward the mountains.  They walked for days; eventually they ran out of food but still had not reached the town.  They continued walking, enduring their hunger.

But they only made it so far when it became clear that they had to find some food.   They topped a hill – and below them lay the town.  It was still far away, though, and the children were so famished they could not take another step.

The mother looked down at her feet, and there lay a bag.  She picked up the bag and looked inside – there was a single sandwich!  They might have a chance after all!

But the sandwich was small, too small to provide enough nourishment for all three of them to reach the town.  It would be enough for the children to share, or for the mother to eat, but not enough for all three of them.

So -- Pastor Al tells me to put myself in the position the mother is facing. 

 Should I give the sandwich to my hungry children?  

Or should I eat the sandwich myself?

I have to admit – when Pastor Al told me this story, he asked me – if I was the mother, what should I do?   

I puzzled over it for the longest time.  

I felt it would be selfish for me to eat the sandwich.  And yet, I knew if I was the mom, I’d need the strength in order to go on.  I would open my mouth to give an answer, then re-think it before a word came out.  After allowing me to stew on the question in my head for several minutes, Pastor Al took my hands in his and looked me in the eyes and said, 

“Anita – eat the sandwich.  Take care of yourself right now.”

He gently explained the correct answer:  The mother should tell the children to wait at the top of the hill, and then she should eat the sandwich herself.  That would give her enough strength to walk to town, where she could get 
food and help to return and rescue her children.

If she’d given the sandwich to the children, she would not have enough nourishment to make it to town herself, and then all three of them 
would have perished.

She MUST take care of HERSELF, in order to take care of her children.

It was one of the most eye-opening things anyone ever has said to me.  

It gave me the strength to realize that it was NOT selfish to take some time for myself, it was NOT selfish to do whatever I had to do in order to survive. 

And I did.